Last night I completed my 4th session of boot camp class. And to be honest I have gone back and forth between feeling great and being incredibly frustrated with my results.
I KNOW I work hard and that I do well and this time it’s as though something has clicked on and the light is finally shining. Perhaps I can do this? I don’t know, someday maybe I will get there?
On to singing my praises
In the past 12 weeks I have lost 22 pounds. I didn’t weigh in last 6 weeks for several different reasons. In the past 24 weeks overall I have lost 46 pounds… SO freakin close to 50. That’s kinda cool.
I lost 3.5 inches overall. eh, that’s okay.
My mile only improved by 10 seconds. However I ran more of it than ever before. The track there is 23 laps to a mile and I jogged the first 6. Then I alternated between walking and jogging.
In the past 6 weeks. My sit ups have improved from 13 to now I can do 26.
and my Push ups have gone from 12 to 29.
I’m encouraged, but also frustrated. I know I don’t need to be as hard on myself. But as I can do more, I WANT to do more. this IS going to happen. I am going to be fit and healthy and all that entails.
but it was more than that. I can fuss about how I moved to the 3rd floor from a 2nd floor and a couple of towns over. But instead I’m gonna focus on the positive stuff.
cause at the end of the day, I didn’t move. I had friends help. I had Nancy – who didn’t stop and I now covet her leg muscles. I had Margo who just leaped and bounded up stairs and provided comedic relief. I had Wes, my cousin who was bound and determined to get everything in one load. AND we did, one flatbed trailer and 2 suvs, 1 car and my half car full of crap. After 3 flights it’s all crap. Oh and Leland who went from 9am – 1am… his last day of vacation and before he left made sure that there was a clear path for my roommates movers today.
So, sure I moved yesterday… so did my friends. And for that I’m incredibly grateful… now who wants to unpack?
I had a class on mental blocks this week. Well, not really but it would be great if there were one I could glean information and knowledge from.
I think about where I started from more than a year ago. My friend Rach and I walking .25 of a mile in the dark cold of the outside Y track. And now I go to bootcamp and sometimes work out several times a day. I need to keep reminding myself of this. Because honestly I love it. And I enjoy the good I’m doing. I like feeling better and able and that life is more than it use to be.
And I need to remind myself of all this when I have hard days and weeks and moments of self doubt. I sent a friend a text after I finished class this week that basically said “eff this” without the “eff” and instead with other stuff. I needed a reality check. And I need to still get honest with myself. I expect this to just fall into place. But at the end of the day this is HARD stuff.
I work out more than the average American and I weigh more… like the average American. And I wish I had the ability to remember how it was when I was smaller, or a size 8 or a size something, but I don’t and I can’t. I have always been bigger and I HATE that. I HATE that I can’t use a picture of myself to motivate myself to get up and go. But who knows, if I were able to do that I would probably be just as frustrated that I COULD remember myself that way and that I let myself get to the place where I am now.
I have allowed the mental blocks from this week to ruin the enjoyment of the progress that I have made. I need to enjoy the life that I am getting back, to enjoy the activity that I now get to enjoy. To simply enjoy my life more.
One thing I love about Nashville is the variety of different entertainment. Namely all the live stage productions. I personally think our Shakespeare in the park production is one of the best around. It’s a $5 suggested donation, but that really is suggested… I had to find someone last night to give money to. Odd right?
Last night was opening night and of course there were a few hiccups. But overall the show was great. The costuming was beautiful and the piece was well edited to not drag.Before every show there is an opening act for a little pre show entertainment.
I had two sets of friends along last night; One who has particpated in various plays and theater productions including Shakespeare and another who had never seen a Shakespeare play. Both sides enjoyed the show for different reasons.
Check it out if you’re a local and if you’re not, see what your area has. I think last night was one of those perfect nights for viewing a show, it wasn’t too hot or humid (here that is a miracle) the crowd was pretty receptive and there were lightening bugs floating around.
So… I am feeling pretty confident lately about this whole “health thing”. I know I’m working hard, my eating is okay (I actually am not eating enough, but it’s not junk for the most part) and my clothes are needing to be replaced with new smaller sizes. Life is good.
And then I saw them. A month ago I was in a dear friends wedding. It was a beautiful day and I wore a new dress and felt okay, until I saw the pics yesterday. When I was wearing the same dress. I wanted to crawl under a rock. Thats how I look? I was let into public? Look at my arms!!!! ugh.
And I ruined it for myself. I rained on my own parade. And then I began to re-evaluate. I had to stop and take stock yet again and you know what? I’m tired of these pep talks. I’m doing this, I’m doing great and I’m accomplishing a crap ton of work.
Monday I worked out 3 seperate times. 3!!!!!! there was bootcamp, a new zumba/pilates class and then time with my precious Finn to close out the day. Tuesday I was a little sore on the top of my legs but otherwise I was fine. And then last night I ran intervals on the first day of the Couch to 5 K training plan. Then this morning I went back to good old bootcamp class and ya know what? It wasn’t the best workout ever. But that was more mentally than physically. I heard those old voices. Danielle you can’t do this, you look funny, you’re never gonna be more than you are now.
I’m tired of it all. I’m tired of not feeling like I’m good enough for this. Like this trip will never end. Because you know what? I am and if I’m never a perfect size, I’m gonna still be me and me kinda rocks. I’m going to be healthy and happy and it’s gonna happen. So self doubt… you need to screw off. Cause I’m in this game, you may have won a small battle yesterday, but I’ve got this.
I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about moving offices… or apartments when we had lunch on Wednesday. I was caught up in having a great time visiting that it slipped my mind at first and then I didn’t want to say anything negative.
So I am moving work offices and am incredibly excited about the challenges and new space that will be created. I’m excited that I get to focus on clients and less on management and that I will be help to others. I hope.
I am moving homes and moving closerish to work. I’m excited and nervous about this the most. I am leaving Springfield, and while it’s just a few towns over and about 30 minutes away. I’m nervous. I needed Springfield when I moved in November of 2008. I was recently separated and needed to be close to family. I needed that safe space. Now I know I have that home, but I’m ready to move…
And it’s odd because I’m going to still be close. I’m going to have a roommate instead of living on my own. I will have shared spaces once more. which kinda makes me very happy. I’m going to stretch myself again and more and it’s good.
But what if I backslide? what if I start gaining weight again? I’m nowhere near my goal and have so much left to do at times it’s daunting. What if I start slacking at the gym and working out and opt for the easier way? I think I’m ready, but there are so many what if’s that my head spins with everything that needs to be done.
That being said.. now that you know… wanna help me move?
love you and I can’t wait to have lunch in Nashville once I get there.