So I have met most of my goals this week. The diet has been decent and the water has been consumed. I haven’t had any caffiene in in over 5 days. Which for me is a miracle in itself.
But today in bootcamp I was almost a big puddle of tears. I was in the middle of the gym floor doing side lunges from one side to the other and couldn’t breathe and there was moisture running down my face and I realized…
Life isn’t happening once I lose the x amount that I want to. Life is happening now. Each time I walk into a store and don’t worry about the next time I’m going to sit down. Or when I go out to eat with friends and I am interested in the company instead of the portion sizes… this is it. I’m out there doing and experiencing.
Some of it hurts, but it’s because the mental AND physical bubble is slowly ebbing away. I don’t have a way to sheild myself like I once did. I don’t have a built in excuse that comes as readily. Now trust me I’m still trying to blame everything on my size and sure some times that’s a factor. But sometimes my attitude is lousy and I’m not the best version of myself period.
This is it guys, I’m getting one go around and I’m enjoying. I’m able to love my family, grow with my friends and start to live a life that I can be proud of…
Now that I got that all out of the way… I’m off to have a Friday night and all that entails… I hope.
I was having coffee with a friend a few weeks ago and she had found prom pictures from back in the day – 10 years ago almost. And she said she would bring them next time we met, later that day she dropped a pic off at my office and there I was. Still overweight, but beautiful, honest to goodness pretty. I went home and looked at other pictures from senior year and junior year and the start of college and in all those pics I am smiling, or talking, or drinking coffee (and all three at times) and I look so stinking happy.
Except – I remember that time. I was self conscious and uncomfortable and wished I was tiny and thin like my friend who tried on a size zero while dress shopping and it was big on her. ugh.
I had heard so many times during then the infamous lines “you would be so pretty if…” typically followed by loose a few pounds, wore makeup, dressed better. Or my favorite line ” you have such a pretty face, your skin is so nice” too bad the rest of you sucks. I added on the last part of that.
I wasted all that time playing the if only game. I’ve talked about that before but really I am finished with that. Now, no worries, I am still a fan of planning the future but I’m also gonna enjoy the here and now. It really needs to be about the journey and not the destination but honestly aren’t they one in the same?
I have all these great blogs started of actual content… But then I find something I really need to share and I post that instead, I know it’s a cop-out but I own up to it, so eh there ya go.
Life is good, holiday season started out exactly as it should. At a table and around people I love. I prepared some g-free stuff for the fam that was well recieved and made a kick butt pumpkin cheesecake so that was exciting. Oh and from scratch caramel sauce that was pretty sweet…harharhar.
I’m at the gym at 4am almost every morning, I feel good about it, but I also want to see results yesterday. I get so humanly frustrated when I look in the mirror and there I am, same as before. I wish people were able to see the me that I think I am. Cause I kinda like her… how is that for real?
As of Dec 14th I will be working in the Springfield Office… kinda exciting, nervous, nauseous and all that. It’s kinda full circle but I really have to step up my game. I mean seriously. Not just in spfd, but in Rgate to close out my files. I also am sad about not being able to stop at the bux every day. Silly I know, but there have been days when outside of clients they are the only people I see. I love having the touch of humanity that isn’t depending on me. Okay so this blog is waaaay to deep for a girl about to go to sleep. So onto my Christmas list. HA
Dear Santa, If you would like to give me anything for the holiday, cause I have tried to be good, here are a few pointers. Dr. Who season 4 would rock, don’t worry about season 3 it wasn’t a fav. A Kindle/Nook/E-Reader* with accessories or fun stuff would be appreciated. Any season of Torchwood. Cheese of the Month or Paying my electric bill… Also, don’t worry about the jerky of the month club this year, I’m still doing the veggie thing…
thanks!
(*santa, I’m totally kidding about my list and really don’t expect to get any of it. I just want to spend some time with the fam and friends. thats my idea of a good Christmas… just sayin)
Yes, I’m on vacation and having a great time. I had the opportunity to provide some assistance for a family and then get a vacation of my own in on the deal. It’s been beautiful here in Panama City, with some rain sprinkled throughout the days, but overall pretty nice weather. I also feel lucky that I get a week off work, but am finding it hard to totally unplug.
I have swam in the ocean a few times and it’s hard to do that without thinking about how small my place in the world is how big the world is and how incredible this place has the potential to be. The ocean just keeps going the waves keep coming in regardless of if I’m standing or knocked down in them or not. Kinda crazy to see the epitome of what life is like…
The low tide is coming in and the weather is nice and breezy and everything keeps going on. And on that note, I have books calling my name and weather to watch roll in.
